Jews News January 2005
Hi Jewbrofans!
First, we wish you all a happy new year -- le shanah tovah in Hebrew -- and here's hoping there'll be only good stuff for you this year, and that the Jews Brothers Band's music will be part of it.
Also, we'd like to let you know about a few gigs that we are going to do in the South Island during January, and a Hamilton Jazz Society gig as well.
TOO MUCH TALENT
But first we'd like to remind you that our most recent CD, Too Much Talent (To Be Famous) is still relatively new and itching to be in your collection. Some of you who have bought The Braeburn Sessions will have noticed that some tunes are on both albums. Braeburn was a quick, live, in the studio recording. Talent was done with full studio treatment and, in some cases, very different arrangements. Music is a funny thing ... it often evolves as the tunes get played and replayed and played over the months. Also, we have to tell you that the overall fidelity on Talent is much higher than on Braeburn.
Plus, Too Much Talent features two swinging live performances recorded at the Dogz Bollix pub here in Auckland: Millennium Swing and Go Down Moses as well as a beautiful rendition of the Hebrew folk tune Dodi Li as a duet with Nigel on banjo and Hershal on accordion.
So, we would like to offer those you who have The Braeburn Sessions a copy of Too Much Talent at the special low price of $15. Just send us a message and quote the handwritten number that appears on the back cover. The Braeburn album covers were personally numbered and they are already becoming collectors' items -- we heard one was auctioned on www.trademe.co.nz already! Plus we will sign each copy of Too Much Talent that you order!
To receive this special offer, hit the reply button to this message and tell us who you are, where you live, how many copies you want and how you'll be paying (cash, cheque or VISA Mastercard).
Don't forget also that the other Rouge Records CDs -- such as French Toast and Nigel's Thrum -- can be ordered through the Rouge Records website: visit www.rouge.co.nz.
SOUTH ISLAND SCHEDULE
Here's where the Jews Brothers Band will be playing in January south of Picton:
Wed 19th Harbourlight Theatre, Lyttleton 8:30pm (doors open 7:30)
Thu 20th Easyway Cafe, Geraldine 9:00pm
Fri 21st Muso's Club, Dunedin 12 Manse St. 9:00pm
Sat 22nd private party in Bannockburn
Sun 23rd Olssen's Winery, Bannockburn 4:30pm children free ... details phone 03 445 1716
All admissions to the above concerts are $20 and the amazing Carmel Courtney (Carmelita) will be on the single and double saxophone!
Sun 30th Hamilton, The Centennial Lounge at Te Rapa Racecourse 5:30pm till 9:30pm.
Linn Lorkin will open the Hamilton concert playing piano and singing her own songs, and The Jews Brothers Band will be featuring the excellent Lewis McCallum on clarinet ... yes finally we've succumbed to a TRADITIONAL klezmer instrument -- but only 'cause it's Lewis. Wait till you hear him ... shades of Benny Goodman... Info: Peter Copman 07 856 7032.
HOBERINTERNETRADIO
One of the very first internet radio stations, and one of the best, now has French Toast toons on their playlist. Describing themselves as "presenting a cornucopia of unvarnished music from around the world", you can listen to this station on your computer by pointing your browser at www.hober.org and clicking on the words LISTEN TO HOBER. You'll need Real Player, a free download, to be able to listen.
JEWBRONEWS
The brothers and sister(s) have been very busy playing for private Xmas and new year parties, barmitzvahs, Jewish weddings and the like. We have now developed a hard-driving Israeli dance medley which has everyone on their feet -- and the bride and groom up on chairs almost instantly. Our record for keepin - 'em - dancin' - non - stop - without - faintin' so far (reached in December) is 40 minutes and, at that particular wedding, the dancing and gymnastics got so vigorous that we had to retreat from our positions for fear of being injured by a flying rabbi!
One of the most recently developed moves seems to be the Jewish version of the Evil Knevil motorcycle long jump ... you know the one which keeps gettting longer and longer as cycles are added ... only in this case instead of motor cycles it's young men. Each new jumper lies down at the end of the line while the next courageous jumper tries to make it without injuring the last guys whosits! Peter our bass player was right in the line of fire and was in complete terror, yet somehow kept playing while holding onto his bass for dear life!
If you'd like the Jews Brothers Band to play at your next function, send an email to party@jewsbrothers.com, or text or phone 021 252 7236. Hershal says: "I'll even demonstrate some of the above mentioned moves as part of the deal!" Now, this is an offer you can't refuse.
COMING UP
The Jews Brothers Band is scheduled to play at the Blue Mountain Festival in, yes, the Blue Mountains of New South Wales, Oystrayliya in March and we are again planning a tour of the UK and Europe during July and August. Just thought we'd let you know, so you could let your mishpocha (that's Yiddish for friends and rellies) know.
JEWISH JOKE TIME
Now for your favourite part of the newsletter, here's a coupla jokes for ya:
Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour Yankel Rabinovitz the Jew as an enemy of the state. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
-- with thanks to Jonathan Dunn of Wellington, and... what would a group of Jewish jokes be without a Jewish mother ...
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
Oy!
And finally a more cerebral offering:
On her US radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura posted on the Internet.
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them:
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev.15: 19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden in Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
University of Virginia
-- with thanks to Richard Klein of Wellington for this piece of humor (sic).
Hope you enjoyed this -- we value your feedback. Email your brickbats and bouquets to jewsnews@jewsbrothers.com.
Shalom already,
Linn and Hershal