JEWSNEWS September 2008

Hi Jews-newsers!

Here's the big news for NZ:

Announcing...........

OUR FOURTH-COMING NATIONAL TOUR !!!( yes it's the fourth one!)

If you live in New Zealand ... almost anywhere ... we are coming your way!   Except .. we must apologize to all our Christchurchian fans as we could not work out a gig in your town ........ this time.   As they say in New York "don't ask ! "  (pronounced with a Brooklyn accent and a motion of the hand downward). There IS the option of visiting your cousin in Waimate or that vineyard you've always wanted to go to in Central Otago to get a crate of your favourite pinot noir or some other similar jaunt if you REALLY want to see us!  And for fans o/s, if you feel you're also missing out,  there are plans afoot to come to Oz and Europe next year.  Watch this space!

(... and we'll be travelling by plane, not on foot).

We are really looking forward to this one as it's been a few  years since we went round the country  ...  and we are especially excited about doing the South Island, our favourite overseas destination !( apart from Waiheke Island, that is)  Joining us for the South Island in the Revolving Horn Chair will be that fabulous Neill Duncan, now resident in Katoomba, Oz and for the North Island section the famous "Carmelita", Carmel Courtney, our double saxophonist from Christchurch (no she doesn't have a twin ... she just plays two saxes at the same time).

Anybody remember our first tour in 1997 ... ? (as graphically described in Linn's epic song " The JBB on their  South Island Tour"  on her "Kiwiana" album which incidentally you can order on-line  www.rouge.co.nz ). Then there was 2000 and again 2003 so it was about time we did another one.
 
So get out the matzos and bagels! The JBB are a-comin'  to town! And by the way if any of you is a video enthusiast we would welcome any bits of footage we could get of this tour ... photos too for that matter.

*****

Here's the schedule:
Itinerary: The 2008 Jews Brothers Band Farewell Tour .... yeah right
Tour management :  Steve Thomas of Arts on Tour NZ with the assistance of Creative New Zealand. aotnz@xtra.co.nz

September
Sun 28     New Edinburgh Folk Club, Dunedin (7.30pm)
Tue 30     Cafe On Queen, Waimate (7.30pm)
October
Wed 1     The Penguin Club, Oamaru (8.30pm)
Thurs 2   James Cumming Wing, Gore (8pm)
Fri 3        Orchard Garden Café, Alexandra (7.30pm)
Sat 4       Lake Dunstan Boating Club, Cromwell (8pm)
Sun 5      The River House, Wanaka (8pm)
Mon 6      Regent Theatre, Hokitika (7.30pm)
Tue 7       Wilsons Hotel, Reefton (8pm)
Wed 8      Saracen's Bush Lounge, Karamea (8pm)
Thurs 9     Mussel Inn, Onekaka (8.30pm)
Fri 10        Playhouse Café, Nelson (8pm)
Sat 12      Le Café, Picton (8 pm)
Sun  12    Jetty Cafe, Petone (6.30 pm)
Tue 14      Longlands, Matamata (7pm)
Wed 15     Kauaeranga Hall, Thames (7pm)
Thurs 16   Performing Arts Theatre, Onewhero (8pm)
Fri 17       Just Imagine, Russell (7pm)
Sat 18      Rawene Hall, Rawene (8pm)
Sun 19     Taipa Bay Resort, Kaitaia (Dinner 6pm Show 7.30pm)
Mon 20     Hall at Whangaroa Harbour (7.30pm)
Tues 21    One 2 One Cafe, Ponsonby, Ak ( 7.30 pm)

See you all at one of these shows!

********


Here are the jokes folks!


One Shabbos, a Rabbi  told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying. To help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 verses 1 to 15 before next week.  Who knows, I might not have to give such a long sermon."

 The following Shabbos, at the start of his sermon, the Rabbi asked his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28, 1-15?"

 Every hand went up.
 The Rabbi  smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters.  I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

******************************************

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.

Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.

The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."



***************************************************
After months of negotiation, Avraham, a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.

He boarded the train and sat down. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at the young man and thought,

This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this area. If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?

I'm the only one from our area to be allowed to travel to Moscow.

Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?

Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status.
What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point Avraham turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger.

"But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied Avraham, "it was obvious".