JewsNews Feb 2011
Hi JBB fans!!!!
Long time no e-, eh?
Yes we've been in suspended animation you could say. But there are a couple of concerts coming up for which we are unsuspending ourselves and we are sure you will be interested.
First, a very special concert on the last Sunday of the month:
Some of you may remember the amazing performances we did a few years ago with the great Sephardi-American Kantor, Robert MIchael Esformes. We've been asked over and over again by some of the fans when Robert might be back and now we've finally managed it.
So here are the details:
** ROBERT MICHAEL ESFORMES **
backed by THE JEWS BROTHERS BAND
SEPHARDI-LADINO SONGS AND ROMANCES
SUNDAY, FEB 27 * ONE 2 ONE CAFE * 121 Ponsonby Rd.
* 5.30 pm * Door Sales Only * $20
Robert is descended from the Spanish Jewish line of the diaspora and sings the songs of his forefathers which are in Ladino, the language spoken by the Jews of Spain. This will be a rare cultural event so don't miss out.
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The famous Waiheke Island Jazz Festival, which has also been in suspended animation - for a few years in fact - is back this year with a vengeance and a great line-up. It's one of the outstanding events on the Auckland calendar and traditionally takes place over Easter Weekend. The Jews Brothers Band will be back doing their "Jewish jazz" thing on the Friday night.
** THE JEWS BROTHERS BAND at the WAIHEKE JAZZ FESTIVAL **
EASTER WEEKEND * FRIDAY APRIL 22 * 7 - 10 pm
THE DUNES, ONETANGI, WAIHEKE ISLAND
For more information www.waihekejazzfestival.co.nz
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Other Gigs Coming Up :
** LINN LORKIN'S "HEY, PIANO BAR LADY!" **
at TAPAC,
SATURDAYS MARCH 5, 12, 19
* 10pm (5,12 march) * 9.30 pm (19 march) * $25
TAPAC is The Auckland Performing Arts Centre, 100 Motions Rd, Western Springs * opp. the Zoo.
The foyer will become a NY supper club for the night, with NY platters and cocktails available at the bar.
*And have we got a deal for you!: If you attend one of the earlier TAPAC shows on the same night you can "add on" Hey Piano Bar Lady for a mere $10 !
Linn developed this show in Berlin then Auckland and finally New York where she spent 6 months in 2010.
* youtube clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx7FQJHoRnw from Don’t Tell Mama, NYC, November 2010.
* Bookings 09 845 0295 * or www.tapac.org.nz
It's something unique, a jazz musical comedy in one hour fifteen, a slice of the Big Apple and her life there in the '80s... how she made it from arriving broke and playing for $20 a night to performing in swanky clubs on Park Avenue and how she got married, divorced and had a baby (in that order!). It's funny, sad, tuneful and compelling from the moment it opens till the last note. Linn really hits her stride here and demonstrates once and for all her strong, swinging piano style, her natural funniness and her formidable song-writing skills. It went down a treat in NY very recently and here are some of the hit songs:
"Is that a Down-Coat? No it's an Up-Coat!"
"I'm a Mole and I Live in a Hole"
"I Got My Green Card Today"
"I'm an International Sofa Lady"
& that favourite of Jewish New Yorkers (who knew?):
"Family at the Beach"!
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** FRENCH TOAST, Your favourite French chanson trio, has two up-coming gigs:
** SUMMER SOUNDS IN THE PARK CONCERT SERIES **
NATHAN HOMESTEAD, 70 Hill Rd. Manurewa,
SUNDAY FEB 20, 4pm till 6pm
http://www.aucklandcouncil.govt.nz/EN/events/EventsCalendar/Pages/music_in_the_park_south.aspx
** PONSONBY MARKET DAY **
SATURDAY MARCH 19, 11am - 1pm, Three Lamps, outside Millie's
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** ORQUESTA AMADEUS EVERY SECOND THURSDAY **
GRAND CENTRAL BAR, 126 Ponsonby Rd.
Our five-piece Cuban charanga band, Orquesta Amadeus has been playing almost a year and a half now at this legendary Ponsonby bar, just up from One 2 One Caf. Next one will be Feb 17, then March 3, 17, 31 etc
So come on down and practise your hot (or are they cool?) salsa dance steps to our mambo and cha cha cha rhythms! This intimate club has a really great ambience, sofas on the street to rest on between dancing & attracts a very varied audience.
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** LINN LORKIN & THE LARRIKINS * FRIDAYS AT ONE 2 ONE CAFE Now that she's back from New York City, she's also back at the One 2 One piano with her group every Friday night * 8pm - 11pm ( $5 cover). Intimate, informal and swinging.
Hope to see you at one of the above gigs.
>--
AND NOW SOME ROUGE NEWS!!
** New release: THE FIRST LADIES OF JAZZ - "GIRL TALK"
This very special CD, digitally converted from tape recordings and dedicated to the memory of Beaver, the beloved jazz singer who died last year, will be a boon to her many fans throughout the land. The First Ladies was a four-part harmony group with Beaver, Candy Alderton, Julie Mason and Linn Lorkin, active in the 90s. With 14 tracks and Beaver singing lead on several songs, this fun, swinging album is a reminder of just how good a singer she was. There are jazz standards galore and some originals by Linn and yours truly with Linn and Julie sharing the piano chair, Kevin Haines (father of Nathan) on bass and Tony Hopkins/Frank Conway on drums. The band is cooking, the arrangements are gorgeous, the four part hamonies are delicious and above all ....it has the wonderful Beaver. Available, as are all our CDs, on our web-site : www.rouge.co.nz
** And, most importantly, every ROUGE RECORDS TRACK IS NOW AVAILABLE on I-TUNES and/or www.amplifier.co.nz. You can listen to the First Ladies of Jazz tracks on amplifier, then down-load or purchase a physical copy from us!
Shalom already,
Hersh
** JEWISH JOKES
And now, your favourite part of our newsletter. Yes, it's our award winning Jewish Jokes Section, the award being that you all have told us over and over that you love it.
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days : Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Myron Cohen, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge,Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers,Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King,Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers,Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Bennyand so many others.
And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
*My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's
chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says:
"Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is: Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
A man called his mother in Florida,
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered,
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be
filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says,
"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says,
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go. .
*****
Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......
when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign
'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry .'
'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does
that belong in Chinatown ?'
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.' The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''
The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'
Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'
'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.
'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
'It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year
ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at ' Documentation Center of Immiglation.'
Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland.'
'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What your name?'
He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sam Ting.'